I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
