Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
