Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
