birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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