Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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