Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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