Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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