As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
