he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
