the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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