the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
