did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
