If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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