This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize