wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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