Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
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