Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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