Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
