Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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