Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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