I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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