I faked an abortion last night.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
