I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize