I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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