Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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