I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
