if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
