just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize