apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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