Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
