Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
