She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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