just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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