Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I love you.
Bad choice
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize