Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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