The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
