my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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