i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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