new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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