I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
