bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
