I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
