oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
