i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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