god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
