i wish there were pregnant emoticons
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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