EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
