I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize