There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
