Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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