Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
