He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
