We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
