i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
farters have to be the big spoon...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
