If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
