He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
