Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
