Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Floor bacon is actually really good
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
