Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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