My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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